The Spirit of Aloha 🌴🌞

I’m writing to you from Kauai, “The Garden Isle” of the Hawaiian Islands.

I’m blessed to be able to spend over a month here, and this will be the last trip in what has been an unprecedented year of travel for me (some of it personal, some work-related). 

To land in a place of such beauty and bounty is a welcome gift. It’s sweet to experience the feelings of summer at the end of October, while, at home, the trees have lost their leaves, surrendered to wind and rain, the air is chill, and the skies darken early.

I’ve traveled to Kauai many times, mostly to visit my great aunt, who chose to retire here, and lately because she asked me to be her personal representative after she died, and so there’s a quality of “home” I can lean into thanks to good local friends and the gentleness and abundance of the land and sea.

Yet I am far from home, and I feel it. I’m in the home of my late aunt—her presence is everywhere—yet it’s my job to dismantle it so its energies can transform into other energies. I'm tending to practicalities like packing, painting, and accounting, and I’m working too, teaching, editing, and coaching. In a couple of weeks, I'll be teaching a class and offering consults at the Kauai Writers Conference, an opportunity I've been looking forward to for months. So this time in Hawaii is meaningful on many levels, and I'm allowing myself to settle into the aloha spirit.

Did you know there’s a law on the books here called the Aloha Spirit Law? Statute §5-7.5) reads like this:

“‘Aloha Spirit’ refers to the coordination of the mind and heart within each person. It brings each person to the self. Each person must think and emote good feelings to others. In the contemplation and presence of the life force, "Aloha", the following unuhi laula loa may be used:

• "Akahai", meaning kindness to be expressed with tenderness;

• "Lokahi", meaning unity, to be expressed with harmony;

• "Oluolu", meaning agreeable, to be expressed with pleasantness;

• "Haahaa", meaning humility, to be expressed with modesty;

• "Ahonui", meaning patience, to be expressed with perseverance.”

Tender kindness, harmonious unity, agreeable pleasantness, modest humility, persevering patience… Words to live and write by, don’t you think?

The law goes on to say:

“These are traits of character that express the charm, warmth and sincerity of Hawaii's people. It was the working philosophy of native Hawaiians and was presented as a gift to the people of Hawaii. "Aloha" is more than a word of greeting or farewell or a salutation. "Aloha" means mutual regard and affection and extends warmth in caring with no obligation in return. "Aloha" is the essence of relationships in which each person is important to every other person for collective existence. "Aloha" means to hear what is not said, to see what cannot be seen and to know the unknowable.”

As I soak up the gifts of aloha—and share them too—I'm letting myself feel at home here for awhile. I listen for what’s not said, try to soften my gaze to see what can’t be seen, and allow the unknowable to have place, if not a name, in my heart.

“No alien land in all the world has any deep strong charm for me but that one, no other land could so longingly and so beseechingly haunt me, sleeping and walking, through half a lifetime, as that one has done. Other things leave me, but it abides; other things change, but it remains the same. For me its balmy airs are always blowing, its summer seas flashing in the sun; the pulsing of its surfbeat is in my ear, I can see its garlanded crags, its leaping cascades, its plumy palms drowsing by the shore, its remote summits floating like islands above the cloud wrack; I can fell the spirit of its woodland solitudes, I can hear the splash of its brooks; in my nostrils still lives the breath of flowers that perished twenty years ago.”
~ Mark Twain ~

(From: Mark Twain in Hawaii: Roughing It in the Sandwich Islands: Hawaii in the 1860s)

Community, Productivity, Renewal

Recently, someone asked me: “Why do you lead writing retreats?” One of the main reasons has to do with my belief in community building.

I believe in community spaces and community time. And I believe that when you devote time and space to communities, especially creative ones, several things are possible: individual and group productivity; individual and group healing; individual and group change.

At a retreat, there’s bound to be someone quite a bit like you. And there’s bound to be someone very different from you (as well as several someones in between). One or more of these people will become friends, others may be teachers, but in both instances you’re exposed to different people from different places and you can’t help but learn, grow, and change for the better a little or a lot.

Another reason for offering writing retreats has to do with how challenging writing itself can be. It isn’t easy but we think it should be. Being with others reminds us of this disconnect between the task of writing and how we feel about it, and it renews our resolve to rise to challenges, persist despite setbacks, and celebrate our own and each other’s successes.

Writers spend a lot of time alone and can get lost in their own self-deprecation and self-aggrandizement. Being with others reminds us that these inner polarities are based in our imaginations rather than in reality.

I’ve seen time and again how much more productive writers are when they’re working alongside each other in a “together alone” situation compared to when they’re totally on their own. Whether online or in person, a group of writers toiling in each other’s presence is noticeably more focused and productive. Positive group energy nurtures individual goals.

Another reason is that I know if I, personally, benefit from a change of scene to renew my perspective and enliven my creativity then others must too. A writing retreat isn’t as intense as a five country tour around Europe, or a family holiday afar, or attempting yet failing to find time to write on a business trip or a getaway with a spouse. A retreat offers dedicated time to write in a different, slightly unusual spot. You may have a garden at home, but you don’t have to weed the one at the retreat location. You may be a great cook and eat well, but on a retreat you get to eat delicious food lovingly prepared by others whose job it is to help you relax and focus on your creativity. You may not like to leave your own bed, but waking up in quiet comfort elsewhere will shake up your perceptions—and you’ll probably dream differently.

Writers depend so much on their imaginations for inspiration, but they sometimes forget that inspiration needs life experiences to nurture it too. A retreat is just enough of a different experience to stimulate the senses while also meeting the more quotidian needs of an imagination at work.

Writers benefit from forays into the world that don’t fully pull them off the path of creativity. Retreats provide the environments—physical, mental, emotional—that help writers recommit to their love of the act of writing and of their choice to be a writer in this strange, interesting world. A world that needs artists of all kinds, especially writers, to help make sense of it, celebrate it, and point out its sacredness.

“I would advise any beginning writer to write the first drafts as if no one else will ever read them — without a thought about publication — and only in the last draft to consider how the work will look from the outside.”

~ Anne Tyler~

Are You a Lonely Writer? 🐈

Do you ever get lonely? How can you tell?

Writers like being alone, undisturbed, so they can focus. They're protective of their solitude and rarely identify with being lonely, in part because their imaginations are wildly populated with intriguing thoughts, characters, and dramatic situations with the potential to become stories.

But when does creative solitude cross over into loneliness? 

It's not as clear or straight as the yellow line down the center of a road. We're often on the other side before we've realized we've been drifting. There's no honking or swerving of oncoming traffic to alert us to the danger we're in. We just... feel different. A bit out of sorts, maybe a bit sad or irritable, possibly extra self-conscious, worried, fearful, or even paranoid. These shifts in mood and self perception can creep up on us so quietly that we're often convinced they're byproducts of what's going on in the outer world rather than our inner worlds.

Psychologists identify loneliness as "painful isolation.” Feeling lonely is a subjective awareness of feeling some distress and dissatisfaction around interpersonal relationships. To be lonely is to have certain social needs unmet.

Every person has different social needs and, therefore, a personal loneliness threshold. We each have to figure out what that is. Personally, I love traveling on my own, and I once spent a summer in Brittany, mostly alone, sometimes working on a novel. One day I looked up from my computer and realized I felt odd. A bit loose at the seams. A bit down in the dumps. I wondered why until it occurred to me that I hadn't interacted with another soul in three days, not a phone call or a grocery purchase or a nod on the street. (Actually, I don’t think I’d even left the house.)

Writers do tend to tolerate greater amounts of alone-time than others, and we know that being alone is not the same as being lonely, but we may over value solitude and the creative possibilities we think it might bring at the expense of fulfilling fundamental needs for social connection. I wouldn’t have been aware of that three day threshold if I hadn’t felt it physically. (Honestly, I can go longer than a few days on my own, but zero contact with other humans, even to observe them across a restaurant from the privacy of your own dinner table, will take a toll eventually.)

Humans are wired to be together, though not all the time. To be human is to embody a living paradox--we need connection and belonging and we need autonomy and freedom. More importantly, we need to be aware of the experiences of these things. It's not always enough to be free; we want to feel free. It's not enough to know we're connected to family and friends; we need to feel these connections.

Which also means we can feel lonely even if we're not really alone in an objective sense. We all want to feel seen, understood, safe, welcome, and of some value within our social tribe. When we're deprived of such feelings, we can end up feeling lonely, depressed, or anxious.

In fact, loneliness is a predictor of depression and anxiety, yet it stands apart from it too; you can feel lonely without feeling depressed or anxious. But if your personality is prone to depression and anxiety, and that's true of many writers, you can end up drifting toward loneliness without being aware of it.

Apparently loneliness is on the rise in our digitally connected yet more physically isolated societies. The Covid pandemic forced us all to adapt to "social distancing,” and, thankfully, advances in technology were able to meet most us where we were in our locked down locations. But in the years since, most everyone is more digitally connected than ever, whether through live interactions on Zoom or other platforms, on social media, through watching YouTube or various streaming services, yet we're also more lonely. We may have plenty of visual and aural input, but how often are we in each other’s physical presence anymore? How many of our in-person encounters have been replaced with virtual ones?

Now, I’m not knocking the live online thing. I love the freedom and flexibility it allows me, but I do miss the quality of connection that comes from being in the presence of others (it’s one of the reasons I’m hosting an in-person writing retreat this year).

We certainly aren’t going to stuff the genie of technology back in the bottle. The digital and virtual are here to stay. But we can choose to include more social interaction in our lives, which means investing time and energy in the relationships that keep us on the right side of our personal loneliness threshold.

It’s been proven that good relationships keep us healthier and happier. You’ve probably heard of that long running Harvard study? This Ted Talk from 2015 summarizes it, with two of its points being: social connections are good for us and loneliness kills (they’re now equating its impact on longevity with smoking fifteen cigarettes a day!).

I’ve always been one of those writers in search of more solitude, so I made a decision early on in life to invest in friendships with people who love writing. Writers do need other people, especially for commiserating and celebrating the strange ups and downs of the writing life, and they always understand when their fellows need to pull away to create. I have other friends and family, too--as writers we must be willing to engage fully with real life if we want to have anything to write about!--but my writer peers are essential. As a matter of fact, maybe I'll reach out and set up a coffee date right now... 

"Writing, at its best, is a lonely life."

~Ernest Hemingway ~

"There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickering, apologies, heartburning, calling to account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that."
~ Mark Twain ~